Meet My Therapist, the Road

Four months ago I started running. Well, actually, let me rephrase that. Four months ago, I started what had the potential of becoming a running motion. The holidays were over, my Wii Fit and I were not on speaking terms, and my pre-baby wardrobe started to look appealing again. Finances being what they are, I knew the prospect of new work clothes was thin, and even more apparent, I knew that I wasn't. So, I started to run.

It started as a walk-run. I would run until I couldn't breathe and then walk until I could, then run again. It turned into a jog. I could keep a steady pace and I felt happy that I could match the beat to a few of the songs on my IPod . . . even if they were "Take my Breath Away" and "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Lately, I have turned my jog into a pace that actually gets me somewhere. This journey that starts each moment I find a window of time to run and stops when I turn the corner into my driveway, has taken me around my neighborhood and cross streets. However, I have started to realize that I am also logging mileage on another level, in my heart and soul.

It has been quite a year and half. What started as a BIG surprise in my life in April 2009 has now grown into a precious, chubby, blissful one-year-old boy. This unexpected miracle led to my decision to drop Grad school and the Administrative Credential program. I knew that I could return one day, I just did not want to miss any more of William's life than I had to. Shortly after God placed our beautiful William into our lives, he took my dad out. Shock, dismay, grief, sorrow, are a few of the words that I can attach to what followed. In fact, I can't think of diction that provides enough connotation to give a glimpse into the hole that was left in all that knew him, especially his family. I know that the memories are alive and vibrant. I now realize that I underestimated my memory. There is a lifetime of amazing moments and priceless words to draw from. Consider me crazy - but I would trade all of them to have Dad here again.

Needless to say, surprises, blessings, and tragedies such as these can take their toll. I knew that running would give me a time to collect my thoughts and worries, and keep me focused for a few more hours. Running, instead, has actually provided me an opportunity to collect my entire "being". I look back at my first days, IPod in hand and shoes ready to go, and I could not have anticipated the results of my new quest.

The road has become my therapist. It is predictable and it does not interrupt. It supports me, no matter how hard I pound on it. It helps me find the way and challenges me with its hills then gives me a downward slope when I could really use the break. Most importantly, it has been there for me as I have meditated (Playlist 1), Rocked-out (Playlist 2), or found my inner-child (Not really a playlist, the IPod sometimes shuffles to the kids' music). I feel peaceful when I am alone with my thoughts and when I am peaceful I feel connected with my dad, and when I am connected with that wonderful man and father, I can return from my run - yes, run - with a happy spirit. I know that I benefit from this state of mind. The real winners, however, are my kids and husband.

I run off the sadness, the stress of work, the anxiety that comes with having a large family, the angst caused by grudges that need to be let go, and the helplessness that creeps up on me and tells me lies like, "You can't handle it". Yup, the road is my therapist. Pretty inexpensive. Sessions vary from twenty minutes to an hour - depending on the path I choose to take and the time I can be away from the kids before things start to unravel or I miss them too much.

When I beat my personal time, find a song that would be perfect for Playlist 3, or see my kids and husband standing on lawn chairs to look over the fence and cheer me on as I near the house, I know that my running "sessions" are working for me.

I have three goals I would like to accomplish by the time I am forty: write a book, run a marathon, and compete on Dancing With the Stars. There is obviously one goal I may have to let go of. But, when I am on Dancing With the Stars, I am sure that a book deal will follow. The marathon? That is the other bonus - my therapy sessions with the road are also getting me a little closer to something that after having four kids, seemed highly unattainable. When I run my marathon - most likely ON my fourtieth birthday, I will be thinking of my dad the entire time . . . especially at the finish line.