Motherhood has taught me quite a few things. Even as a teacher, I have learned that life experiences are the lessons that have the most significant impact. In the school of "Motherhood" every day is a lesson.
There are lots of quizzes. It is really hard to study for this class because the curriculum keeps changing. You can stay up all night learning something new, and then the chapter test asks you an unexpected question. It is impossible to gauge your progress because you never get comments on your papers - and if you do get feedback, it is usually in the form of a little voice yelling about a recent injustice you have caused in his or her life. The class of Motherhood requires a multi-modal learner - you must be crafty, musical, spatially inclined, verbal, mathematical, and have survival instincts. There are science projects as you test hypotheses and look for variables, there are math tests as you attempt mental equations like:
6 carrots X 3 plates - 1 kid who will refuse to eat her carrot + the dog that will jump up and eat the carrot of the kid that actually likes carrots = Just toss some carrots on the plate and see what happens.
Some of my most memorable lessons have been:
1. How to save a cell phone from the toilet.
2. Little and not so little lies - a normal stage of childhood.
3. Splinter removal 101
4. Emergency Response Certification - When not to argue with the Paramedics
5. 5 simple steps to dressing a polly pocket in her ridiculously difficult clothes
6. Immediate Costume Ideas Level 1: Responding to the last minute reminder that it is a theme day at school.
7. Immediate Costume Ideas Level 2: How to make an entire costume with a glue gun.
8. Teacher Conferences and You - learning to translate phrases that really mean "Your child is a handful and I am losing control"
9. The Art of Ignoring the Tantrum - Even in Public
10. How to Maintain Patience MOST Of the Time
The test for the last one was a ringing phone, a crying baby, a barking dog, two kids fighting over the Wii, another kid yelling that she was finished going "Poo", and the neighborhood kid from across the street that wants to come over EVERY hour, ringing the door bell. I am not sure if I passed that one . . . We haven't been able to find one of the Wii remotes and the neighborhood kid still avoids eye contact with me.
These are just a few of the lessons that have kept me on my toes. I always strive to get good grades, but this class was more of a challenge than I could have ever expected. My teachers change all the time. I have actually found that my kids are my best professors. I am so blessed to have sisters and friends that inspire me as mothers. They are my favorite study-buddies. My mom, grandmas, aunts, and cousins are my tutors. There is not a Cliff Note version for this class - there are however, many unabridged texts, but I never have time for the assigned reading.
I looked ahead at the syllabus, and I know that I can expect other units:
1. Your Teenage Girls and Their Mood Swings
2. Mom, Can I Borrow the Car?
3. Helping your Child with Their Math Homework Beyond 3rd Grade
4. Parent Lectures: Organization and Delivery
While I have never received a report card from this class, over the years I have learned that my tests are graded on a more holistic scale. I have cards written by chubby little hands, everyday smiles and hugs, and words like "I Love You, Mom". I also embrace all their little accomplishments as the feedback that I am somehow on the right track. When I happen to "Ace" the pop quizzes, it is a really good feeling. I know that some of my tests and daily assignments won't be graded for years and years - but I can wait. I don't want to rush it.
One day, I will look back with a clearer idea of my overall grade, but right now, the feedback is few and far between. Regardless, the degree I earn from this class will be more powerful than any masters or doctorate. I will proudly frame it for all to see.
Happy Mother's Day to all my classmates, teachers, and guest lecturers. Gotta go - the baby is awake and recess is over.
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